carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
