I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
How external is "for external use only"?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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