so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
