I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i think i have two assholes
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Randomize
