Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
