Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
