I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize