four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
