I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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