I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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