Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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