The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize