If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
