I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
