someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize