I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
