So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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