you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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