you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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