you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I want to fling myself into the sun
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
