the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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