her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
