You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
