2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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