Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
