This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
