We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
