I think I won the penis lottery.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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