covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
