I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
