your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
