My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
