I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
