rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
