so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
