youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
