First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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