The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I checked into jail on foursquare
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
