Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize