WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
