Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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