I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
