You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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