you have to choose: penises or morals?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
