at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
