Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
