are you so shy because you have an std?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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