Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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