1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
