My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
