You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
