just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize