the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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