i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
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