It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
