my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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