dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
