I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
