you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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