how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
