Swine flu. Run for my life!
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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