Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
