I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
