New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
