ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
