I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
