So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
